UNDERAGE POLICE CADETS SERVED ALCOHOL AT HOXTON PUB WHOSE HEAD CHEF SPIKED TRUFFLES WITH ECSTACY

MALE BREASTFEEDING THERAPIST THWARTED BY SUSPICIOUS HUSBANDS

MAN TRIES TO SMUGGLE TURTLE DISGUISED AS A BURGER THROUGH AIRPORT

RARE ITALIAN-BORN BABY ZONKEY IN GOOD HEALTH

'SMURF' ARRESTED FOR ALLEGED DRUG TRAFFICKING

MAN WHO FELL THROUGH BUS SHELTER WITH NO PANTS FINED, WANTS TO MOVE TO AUSTRALIA

MORNINGS CORRECTIONS: IRISH PRESIDENT NOT GAY, KENTUCKY EXISTS

CHARLES DARWIN'S GREAT-GREAT-GRANDSON TO SPEAK AT NEW YORK'S BIKINI BAR ATHEIST CHURCH

MAN WHO PULLED GUN DURING CHESS GAME SURRENDERS TO ROBOT COP

CANADIAN MAN SORRY FOR CHUGGING EIGHT BEERS AND SWIMMING TO DETROIT

WOMAN GETS HEAD STUCK IN STAIRWELL DURING SEX

SEAGULLS TURN YOBBISH AFTER GETTING DRUNK ON FLYING ANTS

FIRE CREW CALLED OUT TO FREE WOMAN WHOSE BUM WAS STUCK IN WALL

MYSTERY COP IS IN TROUBLE FOR POSING IN A UNICORN MASK WITH A PORN STAR

WOMAN FINED AFTER TAKING HORSE INTO MCDONALD'S

SEX PARTY HOUSE AT FORMER VICARAGE MUST BE SHUT DOWN, SAY ANGRY NEIGHBOURS

HEATWAVE BRINGS FLAMINGO CHICK BOOM

FIREMEN RESCUE ELDERLY WOMAN FROM DECKCHAIR

BULLDOG SKATEBOARDING SCHOOL OPENS IN PERU

ALIEN CORPSE TURNS OUT TO MUMMIFIED BABOON

GARDENER 'DISAPPOINTED' BY SIZE OF HER PENIS-SHAPED STRAWBERRY

BRITISH PUBLIC WRONG ABOUT NEARLY EVERYTHING, SURVEY SHOWS

BUZZ SAWS REQUIRED TO FREE MAN FROM SEX TOY

MARITIME MOOSE SEX CORRIDOR GETS LAND DONATION

DEAD BODY FOUND IN ARNOS VALE CEMETERY

POSTMAN CAUGHT WEEING ON DOORSTEP

MAN GETS HEAD STUCK IN TRAFFIC CONE

TOWN COUNCILLOR: 'I FATHERED ET BABY IN SPACE WITH ALIEN LOVER'

MASTURBATING MAN CAUGHT MOLESTING BICYCLE

MAN DRESSED AS PENIS ASSAULTED AS WOMAN DRESSED AS VAGINA TRIES TO INTERVENE IN GLASTONBURY

DEREK ACORAH, PSYCHIC, CANCELS SHOWS DUE TO 'UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCES'

DEER FOUND WITH DORITOS BAG STUCK ON HEAD

MAN, 66, GOES TO A DOCTOR AND FINDS HE'S A WOMAN

KARL LARGERFELD WANTS TO MARRY HIS CAT

FAR-RIGHT EXTREMISTS CHASED THROUGH LONDON BY WOMEN DRESSED AS BADGERS

DRUNK DRIVER CRASHES WHILE HAVING SEX; LEAVES EJECTED LOVER ON THE ROAD THEN HIDES BEHIND CACTUS

STAR WARS AND DOCTOR WHO FANS CLASH AT NORWICH CONVENTION

MAN STUCK IN MCDONALD'S BABY HIGH CHAIR FREED BY POLICE

PLANE FORCED TO MAKE EMERGENCY LANDING AS WOMAN REFUSED TO STOP SINGING WHITNEY HOUSTON HIT 'I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU'

STUDENT 'DOWNS A PINT OF BEER THROUGH HER EAR'

MACAULAY CULKIN LIVING WITH PETE DOHERTY IN PARIS

GOBLIN-MASK ROBBER FLED IN MILK FLOAT

LIAM GALLAGHER ALMOST KILLED BY BLUE PEANUT M&M

NAKED WOMAN BREAKS IN THROUGH DOGGY DOOR, POLICE SAY

MIKE TYSON: EX-GIRLFRIEND COOKED AND ATE MY PIGEON

SHEEP DEAD AFTER DRIVE-BY SHOOTING IN CAMBRIDGE

SAMURAI SWORD-WIELDING LSD BISHOP HELPS RESCUE ASSAULT VICTIM

MUSWELL HILL FAMILY SHELL-SHOCKED AS TORTOISE WHO DEFIED HITLER COMES BACK FROM THE DEAD

LAST TWO SPEAKERS OF DYING LANGUAGE REFUSE TO TALK TO EACH OTHER

DISABLED POT-GROWING GRANDMA FENDS OFF 13 ATTACKERS WITH ONLY BEAR SPRAY

GUN FOUND IN MAN'S BUM

FIREFIGHTERS FREE CHILD WHO GETS STUCK IN WOOD CARVING

VATICAN PURCHASES APARTMENTS ABOVE EUROPE'S LARGEST GAY SAUNA

GANGES TURNS FECAL LAB AS WEALTHY BATHE WITH NUDE MYSTICS

STUDENT WHO FRIED HAMSTER SENTENCED

PENSIONER, 80, ARRESTED FOR PUNCHING 72-YEAR-OLD AS THEY QUEUED FOR LUNCH AT BINGO HALL

HALF-NAKED AND DRUNK ARKANSAS WOMAN ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE POLICE IN TOY POWER WHEELS TRUCK

TORTOISE SEX SPARKS CONSERVATORY BLAZE

MAN FLASHES AT BUS DRIVER, THEN REMOVES FALSE TEETH AND STEALS SCHOOLBOY'S BASKETBALL

MY WILLY IS MADE OUT OF MY ARM

'RACIST' DOG BITES 7-YEAR-OLD GIRL

BOND DENIED FOR MAN WHO THREATENED TO EAT JUDGE'S FAMILY

OSCAR PISTORIUS HAS SUFFERED ENOUGH, SAYS 'X FACTOR' KITTY BRUCKNELL

DENVER POLICE WARN OF MAN IN THONG NEAR SLOAN'S LAKE

HUSBAND LOSES FIGHT TO PREVENT WIFE DIVORCING HIM OVER A ROW ABOUT HER MAP READING SKILLS ON A WINE TASTING TRIP TO FRANCE

THOUSANDS TURN OUT FOR TOPLESS TOBOGANNING

POLICE HUNT NAKED STAR JUMP MAN

BROTHERS BLOW UP HOUSE WHILE CELEBRATING LOTTERY WIN WITH DRUGS

WORKER AT STRESS BALL FACTORY PUNCHES BOSS, BRANDISHES KNIVES

PARENTS WIN $10.5M VERDICT IN MONSTER TRUCK DEATH AT STRIP CLUB

HAIRY MEN UPSET BY RAZOR COMMERICALS

QUEENSLAND MAN MARRIES HIS BOAT

TODDLER SWALLOWED 42 FRIDGE MAGNETS

DRUNK MAN 'TRIED TO HAVE SEX WITH AN AMBULANCE '

CHUBBY CHECKER SUES HEWLETT-PACKARD OVER APP TO MEASURE PENIS SIZE

DRIVER FINDS OWL STUCK IN CAR GRILL

SEA SLUG'S 'DISPOSABLE PENIS' SURPRISES

LEEDS NAMED 'MAN BOOBS' CAPITAL OF BRITAIN

WHALE VOMIT FOUND ON DOG WALK WORTH £100,000

IRAN SUCCESSFULLY SEND MONKEY INTO SPACE

NAKED FLORIDA MAN JUMPS OFF ROOF ONTO HOMEOWNER, KNOCKS TELEVISION OVER, EMPTIES VACUUM CLEANER, MASTURBATES

16-YEAR-OLD SOLVES RUBIK'S CUBE BEHIND BACK WHILE SKIING DOWNHILL

NORWAY GOAT CHEESE FIRE CLOSES TUNNEL

HARVARD PROFESSOR SEEKS "ADVENTUROUS WOMAN" TO GIVE BIRTH TO NEANDERTHAL CLONE

GOOGLE DENIES RUNNING OVER DONKEY

SWEDISH CLEANING LADY STEALS TRAIN, CRASHES INTO HOUSE

18 HUMAN HEADS FOUND AT O'HARE; NO FOUL PLAY SUSPECTED

GERMAN THROWS PUPPY AT HELL'S ANGELS BIKERS THEN FLEES ON BULLDOZER

PROFESSOR ATTENDS CONFERENCE

TESCO EVERYDAY VALUE ALCOHOL 'DOES NOT ENCOURAGE EVERYDAY DRINKING'

ANTI-GAY PRIEST CALLS 911 AFTER GETTING STUCK IN HANDCUFFS

CAT 'ARRESTED' OVER BRAZILIAN PRISON BREAK PLOT

WINTER CHUNDERLAND

MAN ATTACKED BY 'OOMPA-LOOMPAS' OUTSIDE KEBAB HOUSE

JUSTIN BIEBER ACCUSED OF ANIMAL CRUELTY BY CALIFORNIA HAMSTER ASSOCIATION

MAN HOSPITALISED AFTER EATING 'TOO MANY SPROUTS'

PASTOR 'CURES' GAY TEENS BY GETTING THEM TO STROKE HORSES

CANNABIS FARM ELVIS SINGER JAILED

MAN CARRYING TUB OF FECES ARRESTED FOR UNIVERSITY DISTRICT TIRE SLASHING

IMAGINE THERE'S NO BELGIUM, IT'S EASY IF EU TRY